Let’s have a word, friends

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to write or to blog or to get my thoughts out in any other avenue, so, I’ve decided I’m going to make a better effort to do so.  I don’t know how therapeutic it will be, but, at least it will help me organize my brain.

It’s 9:08 and I promised myself that I would stop working 8 minutes ago.  Actually, I promised myself that I would stop working one hour and 38 minutes ago, but there’s a tiny sumo wrestler in my chest that pushes down every time I think about stepping away; one who reminds me that I have way too much to do to stop and that things will only be worse if I don’t finish my endless list.  Who knew that teaching would end up to be such a demeaning and abusive profession?

I say that, and I know it’s a harsh statement to make, but that’s what I feel.  I feel it all the way down in my gut.  In the pit of my gut.  I feel mistreated.  I feel like everyday my work load gets heavier and no one takes a moment to praise or to thank.  No, life is not about either of those things, but for the amount of negative, some amount of positive has to come heal the wounds, right?

I’ve literally spent the last two days obsessing over my teaching portfolio because I don’t know when my evaluations are going to begin again for this semester.  I have actually spent more time working on that damn portfolio than I have caring about my students and preparing lessons for them, which has thusly propagated the toilet bowl of death; I become grumpy because I am unprepared.  My students hate being in my class because I am grumpy.  I hate being around my students because they complain about me.  Yet, my priority is to survive evaluation year and to please the thousands who are asking of me.

Blegh.

When Robert and I were engaged and were participating in a pre-marital counseling retreat, the toilet bowl of death is what one of the counselors referred to a bad cycle as.  Back then, I was prone to nagging and creating conflict by having unrealistic expectations of Robert, and in response, he would shut down… which, of course, would cause more conflict.  We did this to the point of exhaustion and misery.

That metaphor has been reincarnated lately in our house, but not in regards to our marriage.  Robert understands the depression that has washed over me and the helplessness I feel.

I’m not too proud to admit that teaching at a high-poverty school with all the hoops and obstacles of the Title 1 program funded by the government is not for everyone.  And that includes me.

So, while you go about your days, please consider me in your thoughts and prayers.  I am desperate to pass my evaluation year without completely burning out on the profession.  I still love literature.  I still love teaching… but I don’t know at this point if the abuse is worth it.

I know I’m a few days behind on my reflective teaching quest, but I have postponed it for the sake of reflective LIVING! After an exhilarating therapy session this week, I’ve realized that I am neglecting everything else in my life because I am so set on being the best teacher in the universe.  So, for tonight, I am Nikki.  Not Mrs. Rader.

Robert and I are about twenty years late to the Forks and Knives phenom; a few nights ago, we watched the documentary and, though we don’t ever intend to fully remove meat from our diets, we are committing to adding much more plant-based foods and meals.  By that, I mean, not every meal will have to be meat-centered and we don’t even have to attempt to eat meat every single day.  I do, however, have a b-12 deficiency to keep in mind so I will be extra careful to listen to my body.

Reflective Teaching Challenge: 30 Days of Blogging

Day 2: Technology!

Our school has some Chromebooks on back order for the students and teachers, said to be coming in November.  I’ve always been a Mac girl and spent much of last year learning new apps for educational purposes; however, this year, I’m excited to learn how to use Chromebooks and all of the Google tools associated, especially the collaborative pieces like Google classroom and Google docs.  Having enough self-confidence as far as management goes really helps me to give the students more freedom to collaborate on the laptops and Chromebooks; to peer edit or discuss ideas and elements, all of which can be formatively assessed because they are being documented.

I can’t wait to have these babies in our classroom!

Reflective Teaching Challenge – 30 Days of Blogging

I really want to attempt this 30 days of reflective blogging about teaching, however, I fear that my responses may not be the best because we are already four weeks into the school year! Regardless, I shall try my best and see what this will do for my writing and teaching.

Day 1 

Goals for the year:

As much as I hate to include standardized tests and EOCTs in a set of goals, I really would like to see a significant increase in these scores this year.  No, not all students that are naturally bright or have accomplished academic goals throughout the year will demonstrate their knowledge through a test score, however, part of my job is to prepare them to be better test-takers and that is evident in those scores.  A huge part of test-taking is being able to closely read a test question, and also having a large enough vocabulary index to understand these questions and answer options.

Along those lines, I want to see my students really use new terminology this year.  I want to see them get excited about expanding their vocabularies and using sophisticated terms in discussion and in their writing.

On a personal level, I want to be more thorough in my formative assessment, data collection, and re-teaching cycle.  I feel as though last year, I was too caught in my in exhaustion to analyze my students and to make the effort to re-teach when I saw poor grades or test scores, but this year, I really want to take the time to help even the lowest child master something.  Who knows, mastering even one thing might help him or her feel confident enough to make better connections and educated guesses.

There are many more, but they don’t need much elaboration:

-Affirm and award my students individually more this year
-Update my grades more regularly
-Conference more often with individual students
-Avoid attempts to “re-invent the wheel”… I’m not the first teacher, ever, nor should I work like I am
-Be more vigilant about discipline and follow through more consistently with behavior problems
-Keep work life and home life separate.  No need for the kids to be neglected because something’s going on at home and no need for my hubby to deal with classroom drama!

Here’s to a great year!

Three and a Half Weeks

I’ve been out of school/work for three and a half weeks now and, although I still have tons of packing to do, I am finally starting to get a little bored.  Have I done any planning, you ask? Have I accomplished much or even left the house, for that matter? Negative, ghost rider. 

As a first-year teacher experiencing her first summer of freedom since undergrad years, I am still basking in the loveliness that is a work-free and student-free summer.  Not even the education section of Pinterest has appealed to me yet…. yet. 

Oh, and packing, you ask? Well, I’ve tried to keep it a secret, but we’re trying to buy a house.  Trying, in that, we are currently in escrow and have had to delay closing due to construction.  Construction – yes! Lucky us, we Raders found an under-construction home in a sweet little established neighborhood downtown, a four-minute walk to the zoo.  Many a year ago, the former owners of the house next door had originally planned on building over the two lots, but when the city said nay, the lot proceeded to sit empty for the next umpteen years. The builder has been lazy as hell, to put it kindly, and thus, we are still waiting to close and move.  I’ve slowly been packing up our rental bungalow, but being in limbo makes that quite difficult.  Not to mention, the constant trips to stalk the progress of the house and our tiny menagerie of puppy and kitties.  

Our first house though… right!? I have been nervous and ecstatic for a few months and those emotions are starting to get exhausting.  Can I just relax and DIY my pretty little house already? 

It’s yellow, by the way.  With TWO toilets.  TWO.  We won’t even discuss the anticipation my oft-blocked bladder feels at the thought of never having to wait on a single bathroom again. 

And granite countertops, and stainless steel appliances… all of those things that House Hunters and the Property Brothers mention, that, to be quite honest, have very little meaning to me.  I just want it to be mine.  And for it to be pretty.  

Well, I’ve gone on long enough and I have big plans to take a long shower, exfoliate, and give myself a pedicure.  Will someone please remind me of this luxury come November when I want to tranquilize myself and my students with an elephant-sized dose of something? Or perhaps also in August when I realize that, oh crud, I haven’t done any planning and this month shall be a perpetual Sunday night? 

 

Man oh man

What a year.  I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve been able to sit and write openly.  Little did I know that all the rants and raves about teachers being underpaid for their 70+ hours a week of work were so justified.

But you know what?

I loved it.

Even if my kids were the baddest, bitchiest, most thug-a-licious of them all, we all cried in a big huddle together on the last day of school and I can honestly admit that I’m not entirely sure who learned more this year — them or me.

Aaaand, though it might take me about two weeks to recover fully and calm my body down from the 180 days of stress, I can’t wait to tackle some planning for next year (evaluation year, at that).

It was a wild ride.  I’ve never been meant to do something MORE.

Can’t wait to do it all over again next year.  And the next.  And the next.

2014

I always get really beyond excited about the new year.  It’s probably cliche to acknowledge that it’s a “clean slate” and everything feels fresh and new, but that is the beauty.  Robert and I are going in to this year with full-time jobs, friends, a lovely little rental home, and a city that makes us feel warm and adventurous.  

We made a lot of transitions last year; our lives changed drastically nearly every three months.  This year I’m looking forward to a steady rising action and strong mind, spirit, and body.  

I’m not waiting to see what 2014 has in store for me… I’m excited to take 2014 and DO something with it.